megan's blog

As you already know if you're reading this, my blogging output has gone from nutso to regular to sporadic to nearly nil.

I'd rather be writing more, but enh. I'm not, and I kind of miss it, but I don't miss it enough to actually sit down and do it these days.

So I'm going to take August off of writing altogether. No projects, no smut blog, no nothing. I'll reassess in September and we'll see how it goes.

However, so as to not leave you completely bereft, I will leave you with this (only slightly edited) email I sent to d.jack, because writing it entertained me greatly, and it's still making me giggle today:

the dentist went a-ok. the dentist actually wasn't there, so the hygienist looked me over and said i would have had to come back if there were any problems. which there were not, which is good. we talked about expensive toothpaste for my sensitive gums and electric toothbrushes. and she assumed i'd had braces, which, as you know, is something that pleases me very much. and it didn't take long, so i can leave work a half hour earlier than i expected. and i got a "free" toothbrush, and 3 mini toothpastes, and 1 egg-shaped mini floss, and several coupons for the expensive toothpaste that will hopefully prevent me from having gum surgery. so all in all, it was a very nice half hour.

Enjoy August, my dears. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Hello dirty friends,

I am going to take August off. I will wear as little clothing in this damp heat as possible, and touch myself as much as I can. May I suggest you do the same?

It'll be a nice month.

Kisses,
Megan

Every time you slam into me, I lose my grip on the back of the chair.

The first time I remember being attracted to a girl, I must have been 9 or 10. I was taken for a boy quite often in those pre-pubescent years. I couldn't tell you why exactly, except that I often had some kind of terrible bowl cut and blue has always been my favourite colour.

My family was at a mall - Upper Canada, I believe, though it might have been the newly opened Promenade - and I saw this girl across the fountain.

I couldn't stop staring at her.

She preened, tilted her head this way and that. She readjusted her purse strap so that it crossed from shoulder to hip and emphasized her new breasts.

I couldn't stop staring.

And then her friend leaned over. Whispered something in her ear. They both looked at me; hard, near angry. The girl who fascinated me hung her purse from her shoulder again and they both turned their backs on me.

Instinctively I knew what had been whispered was a snarly "That's a girl!" Maybe it wasn't, maybe I was wrong. But the look of shame on that young girl's face made me know I had done - had felt - something even worse.

I lay the length of my body against yours. My hip bones meet yours, our toes entangle. My nipples brush yours when I arch back.

Your eyes glaze. I can feel my pupils dilate.

You swirl your fingers in the long hairs at the nape of my neck, then smile dreamily as you run them down my back to catch my ass and squeeze it.

I feel strong like this. My lines feel clean and my torso long. Strong like I could pull you up inside me if I chose. I don’t, not yet. The tension builds electric snaps along my thighs and across my hips. All the muscles inside gather. I am spinning and spinning and stretching. Open, opened, away.

Identity has been on my mind a lot lately.

A while ago now, maybe almost a year, I went to a workshop at Venus Envy by Charlie Glickman about non-monogamy. As an aside, near the end, he described himself as bisexual.

It was like someone had watered me. Man, I hadn't heard that word in a long, long time. I had and have been referring to myself as queer for a long time. I'm not sure when bi faded out of my personal lexicon, but it had. And fuck, I hadn't realized how much I missed it.

For a long time I've been wanting to write about how sexual orientation, desire, practice and politics all mix for me. Because it's my blog, but because I think we don't often open up the seams of identities that appear to be sewn neatly shut.

There are about a half dozen false starts sitting in my drafts folder. I can't finish them. I'm not even entirely sure why.

I got hooked on writing this blog because writing about the stuff that's happened to me made me feel so much less alone in it. I've felt a bit stalled here lately.

Maybe it's time to shake that up a bit. So I'm going to try to write about this stuff. It may not be eloquent or well structured, but I will try my best to make it honest.

Spreadeagled. We are sweating. Still limbs, closed eyes. No blankets, though the humid air feels like one. Slow moving as it is in the wake of the fan.

I can feel you turn your head, feel you looking at me. I shake my head. Feel another bead collect between my breasts.

I am reeling from watching G20 news unfurl over twitter on the weekend and listening to friends' stories, during and after. I stayed home, did nothing but click refresh on my various feeds and watch videos and read testimonials and look at photos and feel the frightened band around my chest get tighter and tighter.

There are a million things I'd like to link to here, but really, just google G20 and you'll see. Or start on Mae's blog. I've been in awe of her ability to communicate through this while I have sat dumbstruck and horrified in front of the glowing screen.

Over 900 arrests. Hundreds more forcibly silenced. Thousands more scared into silence and absence by the threat of police violence.

All to capture, ostensibly, fewer than 200 people. Ostensibly. Ostensibly.

It is shameful.

A lot of terrible things have been said about the cops. I don't disagree, but I can't stop thinking about them as people. What do they say to their partners? Their children and neighbours? Their own consciences? I've read testimonials where individual cops acted with contrition; though those reports are few and far between.

I have been thinking a lot about The Stanford Prison Experiment. About how if you dress people up like faceless robotic borg and give them the permission to be violent, then that is often how they'll act.

I have been thinking about how the state - on all levels, municipal to federal - put those individual cops in a position where human nature basically dictated that many of them would act the way that many of them did: with inhumanity.

I have been thinking about how terrifying that is for all of us and then where do you start. Because that's not just fuck the police; that's fuck everything.

++

Rallies in solidarity with those who were arrested are being held across the country.

Maybe I'll see you in Montreal.

I'll be on a train, otherwise I would be.

++A Vigil and Press Conference In Memory of Murdered Women++

MEDIA ADVISORY
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, Monday June 28, 2010

A Vigil and Press Conference In Memory of Murdered Women

Ottawa, Ontario: On Wednesday, June 30th at 4pm, we are coming
together to grieve and speak out about the murder and disappearance of
three women: Paula Leclair, Jean Rock, and Lise Roy. An Ottawa man has
been charged with first degree murder in these cases. We will hold a
vigil and press conference in memory of missing and murdered women at
the Human Rights Monument.

We see these murders as part of the broader issue of men?s violence
against women and the inequities between genders. We need a societal
response to the plight of women and children. Violence against women
threatens all women?s sense of safety and women deserve to live their
lives without fear. All women are welcome to attend the vigil and
speak out in solidarity. Members of the media are welcome to ask
questions after the vigil is complete at 4:30 pm.

? When: Wednesday, June 30th, 2010
? Time: Vigil begins at 4:00pm - Press Conference begins at 4:30pm
? Where: Human Rights Monument, at Elgin and Lisgar

For more information please contact:
Erin Williams, Ottawa Coalition To End Violence Against Women
(OCTEVAW), 613-725-3601 ext. 105
Concillia Muonde, Sexual Assault Support Centre of Ottawa (SASC),
613-725-2160 ext. 233
____________________________________________________________________________
______________

AVIS AUX MÉDIAS
COMMUNIQUÉ URGENT

Une manifestation silencieuse et une conférence de presse en mémoire
des femmes tuées

Ottawa (Ontario) - Le mercredi 30 juin à 16:00h, nous nous
rassemblerons afin de porter le deuil et de dénoncer le meurtre et la
disparition de trois femmes: Paula Leclair, Jean Rock, Lise Roy.
L?accusé est un homme de la région d?Ottawa, chargé de meurtre au
premier degré. Nous organisons une manifestation silencieuse suivie
par une conférence de presse en leurs mémoires au Monument canadien
pour les droits de la personne.

Nous considérons que ces meurtres surviennent du problème de la
violence faite aux femmes par les hommes et des inégalités entre les
sexes. Notre société se doit d'adresser la détresse des femmes et des
enfants. La violence faite aux femmes déstabilise leur sentiment de
sûreté, tandis qu?elles ont le droit de mener leurs vies sans crainte.
Toutes les femmes sont convoquées à faire preuve de leur solidarité.
Les membres des médias sont invités à poser leurs questions dès la fin
du vigil à 16h30.

? La date : Le mercredi 30 juin 2010
? L'heure : manifestation silencieuse à 16:00h - conférence de presse à 16h30
? Le lieu : Le Monument canadien pour les droits de la personne, au coin de la rue Elgin et Lisgar

Pour de plus amples renseignements, veuillez contacter :
Erin Williams, La Coalition d?Ottawa contre la violence faite aux
femmes (COCVFF)
613-725-3601 ext. 105
Concillia Muonde, Sexual Assault Support Centre of Ottawa (SASC),
613-725-2160 ext. 233