And It's Okay

Saturday morning was the first morning in a while that I'd woken up rested.

Unfortunately, I also woke up very sad. Though not as sad as I'd been the night before. At least there was that.

I lay in bed for a while, staring at the drop cloths I was still using as curtains, staring at the jaggy bit where I fucked up the line between the blues, dark and light. I stared at the ceiling. I sighed. I petted Freya's head until she shook it and the drool went all over the place. I got up.

Downstairs, I put on the coffee, put the bread in the toaster oven, and flipped my laptop open. I sat down to write CT.

Things have been different since he left. In that space, between NOLA and Camp Hotza, the part of my brain that wasn't taken up with the impending move was taken up with CT. My brain and a few other bits were very focussed on him. I felt the same thing coming back.

He moved a week after he got home from Ottawa. He's just bought a house too, one that needs a lot of work done on it. His job got busy again after a quieter summer. Much of the energy that had been focussed on me was being diverted to other, very important projects.

Too, I got caught back up in my regular life. I had a house that didn't need a lot of Work work, but it is amazing how much time putting up shelves can suck out of a day. I had friends I'd been neglecting. Work picked up again for the end of quarter.

My focus shifted too.

A week after CT left, I smooched the Born Ruffian. And that felt good, so we did it again. And hey, maybe once more before you go on vacation? And then maybe after, too? Mmm, okay.

Before the first post-pride time with the BR, CT and I talked about what we were going to do about us seeing other people. For my part, I wanted to know about any of his dates, but only because I wanted to be able to say "So what are you up to this weekend?" and not have it turn totally weird. He said he needed to know only if something got semi-serious for me. I drilled him a little bit about what he meant by "semi-serious," because I have been bashed on the shoals of terminology before. We came to a mutual understanding pretty quickly.

And then I shut up.

I took CT to mean that he didn't want to hear about me dating unless it got semi-serious. My words became cautious and measured, so careful to make sure that "what I did last Thursday night" didn't come up. I became less present in our conversations.

One of the things I'd thoroughly enjoyed about our thing was that I could say pretty much anything to CT. Early on, we developed the "FREE PASS," and I've sent more than one email with that in the subject line, my heart poured out in the body.

Having a verboten subject made me feel like I'd lost the free pass. Maybe jammed it too carelessly in my back jeans' pocket, maybe swept it up and thrown it out with the cat hair on Sunday night.

Until Friday, this was a simmering unconscious worry. But Friday, oh, Friday it hit me hard.

I missed it, everything. Our easy talks, the focus I'd been getting. The crazy zizz we had on for each other. I felt guilty, too, like I'd been cheating, even though I hadn't done anything like the same. I was sad for the change we were going through, even though I recognized and even appreciated its inevitability.

By about 10 am on Saturday, I had most of that put into a Free Pass. The coffee was half drunk and the toast was crumbs.

For every Free Pass I've sent him, CT has written back exactly the email I wanted. So close, in fact, that if I had written a response for him to give to me, I would have been further off the mark than he was.

He is the first person I've dated who made me feel normal about sometimes being jealous. When he wrote early on "yeah, i was a little jealous, but that just sometimes happens and it's okay," I felt gears that had been clashing slip into place.

In the email he sent back on Saturday, he said "I've been feeling the same way! It's hard to maintain that focus. Please, enjoy your life however you see fit, and don't worry about me, I'm busy and happy." To paraphrase.

Again, the part of me that was all riled and tense about things changing took a deep breath, circled a couple of times, and lay down for a nap. I wasn't wrong: things had changed between us. And it was a change worth mourning. It was okay to be sad.

Reasonable is totally the new sexy.