Submitted by megan on Wed, 02/25/2009 - 22:55
You know something that I am very glad about?
Other than the fact that it is almost not-February?
That I am not dating.
Oh, I know, I was all mopey and sad about it a couple weeks ago, and lord knows, I probably will be again, but it is such a relief.
Last spring, a few days before my first date with Mae, I was chatting with a co-worker about the date. He asked me if I was excited. I'm not sure if he was expecting my response.
Well. Yeah? She's really cute and seems really interesting. But I don't know about dating, y'know? Either you go on one date and it's bad and why did you bother, or you go on one date and it's really fun, so you go on another. And it's really fun, so you go on another. And so on and so on until they rip your heart out and stomp on it.
It's true that perhaps I was not quite yet ready to date.
But even now, even with that wound well-healed. I'd maybe change "until they rip your heart out" to "until it becomes obvious it's not going to work and hopefully no one's feelings get really hurt."
What it boils down to is that I can't see the start of dating without seeing the end of dating.
In some ways, that's fine. You can learn a lot about yourself and other people by dating for a few months. To continue the example, I really enjoy the connection that Mae and I have, and if we'd never dated, it wouldn't be as rich. I would consider it a loss.
What allowed me to open myself the way I did with her was the thought of something more permanently romantic. The hope that this one might not end.
I'm not entirely sure what the last straw was as far as my hope goes, but what I do know is that right now I'm not in the mood to start something that I most assuredly will finish.
Comments
5 comments posted"most assuredly" is a phrase that belongs only when talking about laws of physics and how great coffee is in the morning; it has no place in discussions around religion, weather, or dating.
(is this me talking?! i can't believe what's coming out of my keyboard.)
I agree with Hawkeye. To use the phrase 'most assuredly' when past blogs have been so very hither and thither? Makes me wonder what exactly is 'assured' at this point? In relationships I'd say pretty much nothing, other than neurosis.
Well you know, there are folks out there working really really hard to find a new dating paradigm.
hawkeye: look at you! with hope! that's lovely.
anonymous: that's what i've been trying to get at in my recent posts. my sense of hope that one of these relationships might last longer than a few years, might be "the one," etc. etc. is gone. i was holding onto it for a long time, but i've let it go. it does feel most assured that if i start something, it will end, and probably sooner rather than later.
it's funny, i don't really feel like i've been particularly hither and tither lately. interesting it comes off that way. over the years, yes, even the past year, but since december, no.
but yes, my neuroses will most assuredly be there too. which just might be contributing to my lack of hope.
aggie: i'll have to write more about this so that a certain short one can have some primary research.
I've sent the link to this entry to a friend and my mom as I was unsuccessfully trying to describe very similar feelings and I wanted them to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way and that it isn't necessarily a negative (though it often feels like it for me) but just a new/different perspective.
Thanks for the words.
S
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