There and Back
After 6 weeks of hauling my ass to Vanier and back, I can tell you that the most efficient and stress-free mode of transport is bicycle.
Last week, I drove, because the bus was driving me to distraction, and taking forever. Like waiting a half hour, like taking a half hour to get to the Rideau Centre from St. Laurent. So I took the car, even took the highway, totally forgetting that sometimes you have to pay for parking. I was out of the parking lot at about 5:05, and walked into my kitchen at 5:26.
It probably would have been 5:19, if I hadn't stalled out three times trying to cross Percy at Gloucester. Still not so great with the hill starts.
Tonight I left the parking lot at about the same time, after fixing my helmet and getting myself sorted.
5:34.
It took me 8 minutes more to bike home than to drive. Didn't stall once.
The mindfulness is almost done, only two more classes. I could probably be getting a lot more out of it than I am, because I don't do any of the homework they say you should do, for aforementioned reasons.
Not to say that I'm not getting good stuff out of it.
The group leader used the white board for the first time today. She wrote the word STRESS, then under it ASSESSMENT, then under that THREAT. Under that, three words: fight, flight or freeze.
Humans are simple. Faced with a threat, that's basically what we got.
The idea, the one that I'm finding the most useful, is that the fact of that will never change.
With all my therapy and whatnot, I think the underlying expectation has been that I would stop feeling certain ways. Not that my therapists might say that, but that's what I've been wanting. I want to stop feeling whatever when this horrible thing happens. Because it feels bad and I don't like it.
This course is allowing me to know - not just realize or think, but to bodily know - that I won't. I'm likely to be dead before I stop responding to stressful situations by either freezing up or wanting to flee to the wilderness.
But I can stop actually doing it, and I'm slowly gaining the tools to be able to do so.
It's a comfort, and worth all those damn distracting bus rides.
One of the very first things my very first therapist said to me was that therapy wouldn't be able to make me "not me". That there were some things that you just couldn't change. I remember saying at the time that that was fine - I didn't want to not be me - but looking back on that it feels like I was very young.
I'm realizing now that there is some stuff I'm not going to change about myself and that while I may not like it (and sometimes it makes me want to shout) I get more mileage out of trying to be gentle with myself. Which is hard too sometimes.
Maybe I could use some mindfulness too. :)
I totally recommend it, particularly if you've got an extra half hour a day to do the "homework." You can google "Ottawa Mindfulness Clinic," and they'll come up.
Thanks for dropping by!