Submitted by megan on Thu, 01/22/2009 - 20:34
++First: What I Expected++
Not entirely true. The doctor didn't tell me to figure out what my triggers were. She said that I wasn't having a classic migraine, and that it might not actually be a migraine, but that it was certainly some sort of reasonably severe episode centred in my head, and docs really know fuck all about migraines.
Okay, so she didn't actually say that last part, but her very expressive shoulders told me what I needed to know.
Because I've been having them pretty consistently and with the same set of symptoms for about 8 years, she wasn't that worried. If I get new symptoms, I should go back. She could prescribe me something stronger, or I could just be more aggressive with the Advil and Tylenol.
For the same reason that because my father is a mechanic I start stopping about 500 metres before a red light to save the brakes, I did not ask for a brain scan. My mom works for the provincial government in homecare, working damn hard to manage health care resources responsibly.
I feel like me having a brain scan for something that's been stable for 8 years is a waste of resources. So, no scanning for me.
Also, the little bump that is in the middle of the ball of my foot? It's not a wart. Which is good, because warts totally give me the willies. What it is is a callous, from yoga, from turning from front to back and back to front in the standing postures. Yes, I know I should probably be turning on my heels. But yes, I am pretty pleased with myself nonetheless.
++Second: Kinda, Sorta++
The first 20 minute writing exercise went pretty well. Mostly in that I did it. Took the full 40 minutes to get the 20 done, but do them I did.
I expected that I would get through them, but I did not expect what came out to come out at all. No fucking wonder I've been shying away from writing. There's ugly stuff in there. If I keep doing this, I think it's going to be a hard winter.
But thanks to everyone for your nice comments, for your support. L. dropped off The Artist's Way for me yesterday. I've only just flipped through it, but man, does it ring true.
Most of the time when we are blocked in an area of our life, it is because we feel safer that way. We may not be happy, but at least we know what we are - *
That describes so much of my life, past or current: the comforting ruts of depressive episodes; staying in relationships saturated with anger and hatred because my training for those was thorough and long, my navigation skills honed razor sharp; not writing because I would rather coast on reputation than prove people wrong; not writing because I am scared of what I have in me to write about.
We know what we are, unhappy, constrained, quiet. Safely discontented. Striving towards happiness and fulfillment is terrifying: we might not make it. Probably won't make it, in fact, or only for moments. And the bitterness of that can be sharp on the tongue.
Cameron, Julia. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. 10th Anniversary Ed. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, 2002. p. 30.
Comments
5 comments postedYeah, okay, you stop gradually. But that doesn't prevent the brakes from wearing out completely, it only prolongs their life. You still need a mechanic to check and make sure that your pads and shoes aren't worn out once in a while. When the brakes start squealing and grinding it's time to replace parts.
When your brain starts squealing and grinding it's time to have a look and see what is going on. We do pay higher rates of taxes in this country so people can have easier access to diagnostic machinery. You're already paying for it, why not use it when there is actually something wrong. Don't use mechanical analogies to justify not checking your health when your brother is a mechanic! The machine ALWAYS needs maintenance!
your brother is right.
Wow. This was well worth the wait. Great post Megan.
I know I get blocked when there is something in me that needs to come out and I am trying with all of might to keep in, and out of sight.
I usually stand still, paralyzed, until I let my words take me - even if I am not very happy about where we are going.
Megan, I say this with kindness, listen to your wise brother... please. It is more then likely nothing, but trust me, it will be such a relief when it is confirmed - for everyone, but especially for you.
Maybe a better example would have been the rattle in the dash of the Buick, the one that Dad wouldn't fix because at least we knew what that one was, and if he got in there and fixed something we knew was harmless, we'd just end up with some other kind of noise that we wouldn't know what the what about.
Well, maybe that's a bad example too. Since I don't think fixing this would break something else.
At any rate, I'm not getting my brain scanned.
I'm not concerned it's something bad, or at least not something worse than what it is. She ran some simple neurological tests on me, and they were all fine. Because she's a resident and it's a teaching clinic, she has to discuss everything she does with her team of doctors. She said she'd call me if any of them thought something else should be done. She hasn't called.
It impacts my life pretty seriously, yes, but for only 1 or two days a year, and if I'm more on top of the easily available pain killers, it won't even do that.
So I'm pretty happy and content with how it all went down. Rest assured, if I experience new symptoms, or the same symptoms more frequently, or I can't control whatever the symptoms are with ibuprofen and acetaminophen, then I will be back in her office faster than it takes an ice-pick headache to resolve itself.
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