Submitted by megan on Tue, 07/20/2010 - 16:52
The first time I remember being attracted to a girl, I must have been 9 or 10. I was taken for a boy quite often in those pre-pubescent years. I couldn't tell you why exactly, except that I often had some kind of terrible bowl cut and blue has always been my favourite colour.
My family was at a mall - Upper Canada, I believe, though it might have been the newly opened Promenade - and I saw this girl across the fountain.
I couldn't stop staring at her.
She preened, tilted her head this way and that. She readjusted her purse strap so that it crossed from shoulder to hip and emphasized her new breasts.
I couldn't stop staring.
And then her friend leaned over. Whispered something in her ear. They both looked at me; hard, near angry. The girl who fascinated me hung her purse from her shoulder again and they both turned their backs on me.
Instinctively I knew what had been whispered was a snarly "That's a girl!" Maybe it wasn't, maybe I was wrong. But the look of shame on that young girl's face made me know I had done - had felt - something even worse.
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6 comments postedWait wait wait...why are all your relationships with men?
That's a bit of a complicated question, I'd say. Or at least it leads to a complicated answer.
The short answer is that they haven't all been. All the long-term or serious ones, yes. Lots of the more casual or shorter ones too. But not all.
The long answer is what I'm trying to unravel over these blog posts. So best I can say is stay tuned, I suppose.
Is this an usual thing? I can think of several girls I was attracted to as a child and as an adult. I always figured that was just normal. I would find it hard to believe if someone told me they had never been attracted to someone of the same sex. Wouldn't you?
I've known a few people who haven't been attracted to anyone of the same sex, but not many.
I'm sure I could dig up a study to find a number, but as a lazy blogger, I'll just say that yeah, in my experience, "not many" is pretty accurate.
That is unfortunate that they were so bitchy towards you. I remember my first time being attracted to a girl (and a boy, because I swing both ways) too! Neither of them turned out that well because..well..kids are jerks sometimes.
It's funny, I don't remember the first time I was attracted to a boy. I think it probably just wasn't noteworthy.
Even at the time, it didn't necessarily come across as bitchy to me - well, maybe the one girl that I felt said "Ew, that's a girl." The girl who'd been preening for me looked so deeply ashamed for having drawn and liked that attention - however mistakenly - that it left a pretty deep impression on me.
It might be too that I have spent far more time searching for my origin story as a queer woman, than as a sexual being, full stop.
But yeah, kids can totally be jerks.
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