Blogs

Well, my dears, I think I'm done. Blogging, that is. I don't want to be all melodramatic, but I just don't feel like it any more.

I used to love blogging - writing you little stories a few times a week, or poking around in the mess of my pretty normal psyche. It used to be the priority. Not "a" priority, "the."

There's no good reason why it's not, just that when I think about blogging, I think "I should blog" not, "Man, I've got to blog what I jotted down earlier."

890 posts - that's what I've put up here over the past 5 years. Not all gold, not by a long shot, but maybe a few nuggets along the way. It was a lot of larfs and tears and vitriol and love and I'm glad I've got the record of it. It's a good long run of anything.

My ennui has been a long time coming, and I suppose I could just let it go indefinitely, but I like a little more ceremony. So maybe I'll post again sometime. Maybe something will happen and I'll need a week of posts to chew it over. Maybe I'll become some kind of Tweet demon. I don't really know, but I do know that there's no point in posting if you don't have the urge.

Huh. This feels a bit like a bad break up. I don't really want to blog anymore, but it hurts to say it's done too, yknow?

So not good bye, but later.

xo

I pushed you down and pushed your cock into my cunt, grabbed the top ropes of the chest harness like a fun-ride handle and rode you like that till my g-spot was hot and swollen, near bursting. You could feel it too. You loved it when I sprayed your belly with my cum and you heaved under me like a wave to make it happen. I hauled you up instead, held you close so the rope was marking us both, held your jaw and mashed my mouth down onto yours.

It's probably in bad form to be gone so long and then come back and gripe, but fuck, you know what cut a big swath of suckitude through my life? August. Not that it was all bad, there were lots of lovely moments, but it was really definitely not my best month ever.

Early on in the month, I got an IUD put in and sweet jesus. It was painful but not that painful to get in, so I thought I'd be okay. I knew there might be spotting and extra cramping. D.Jack came with me, and walked me the half block slowly home, then cuddled me on the couch for a bit before he convinced me to go upstairs to bed. I tried to get out of bed about a half hour later to pee, and the pain was so bad it triggered a vagal response (I found out at the doctor's later), which meant that the pain spiked enough to make my body not know whether I wanted to pass out or throw up or both. In confusion, I just pulled the covers up over my eyes and cried for a little bit.

It has triggered some fierce fucking PMS. That seems to go away for only hours at a time. If I'm not super irritable, I'm on the verge of tears at the same time that I'm trying to figure out why the hell I'm sad in the first place.

It's certainly an excellent method of birth control, I'll say that, because it has nearly killed my sex drive. I get it back in fits and starts, but it's not like it was a month ago. It's like it gets shakily to its legs and lets out a thin meow, where before it slinked along with purring confident grace. When I'm having sex, it often takes me a while to ramp up, past or through the sense of disconnection. I have to work to feel uninhibited whereas before it was my baseline.

For some people, this might not be a huge deal. Sex and sexuality don't take up prime real estate in everyone's lives, I know. But they do in mine.

I've worked fucking hard to like my body and enjoy it, you know?, to be connected and present and joyful. I feel like I've lost something. I feel resentful of this foreign thing in my body. I am grieving the way my body used to be; I also grieve that entrance to that blissful place I used to take as normal seems elusive to me now. I miss my old abandon, and worry that I'll never be able to get it back again. I feel like I've betrayed myself, and now I am struggling with a body that feels once more like a stranger's. I am angry with myself for hurting my body like this. I have moments of hating my body again, purely.

Friends have very reasonably asked me if I'm going to get the IUD taken out. But done is done, it feels like. I can never not have betrayed my body like that now. So I'm going to leave it in at least for a while and hope that soon the obvious benefits outweigh the turmoil I'm feeling now, and that eventually, the grief and anger are soothed.

We strip off our clothes outside then burrow into the tent, under the layers of blankets I insisted on, into the centre of the sleeping bag. You wrap your damp limbs around me, I wrap my cold limbs around you. We shiver. Giggle, wriggle to warm other parts. Playful till the low note that lives in your throat catches my heart and my hand burrows further to the centre of us, pets the pelt between your thighs slowly and slowly then quick quick.

You breathe warm air into our hollows.

Your fingers guide mine down through pubic hair and fat skin folds to find your clit. I pet it gently too, and your teeth come out, you beat. You hold the skin and meat of my shoulder between your teeth. I press and tap, press and tap some more, trying to make your breath come hot, to move the blood to your curled toes.

As you already know if you're reading this, my blogging output has gone from nutso to regular to sporadic to nearly nil.

I'd rather be writing more, but enh. I'm not, and I kind of miss it, but I don't miss it enough to actually sit down and do it these days.

So I'm going to take August off of writing altogether. No projects, no smut blog, no nothing. I'll reassess in September and we'll see how it goes.

However, so as to not leave you completely bereft, I will leave you with this (only slightly edited) email I sent to d.jack, because writing it entertained me greatly, and it's still making me giggle today:

the dentist went a-ok. the dentist actually wasn't there, so the hygienist looked me over and said i would have had to come back if there were any problems. which there were not, which is good. we talked about expensive toothpaste for my sensitive gums and electric toothbrushes. and she assumed i'd had braces, which, as you know, is something that pleases me very much. and it didn't take long, so i can leave work a half hour earlier than i expected. and i got a "free" toothbrush, and 3 mini toothpastes, and 1 egg-shaped mini floss, and several coupons for the expensive toothpaste that will hopefully prevent me from having gum surgery. so all in all, it was a very nice half hour.

Enjoy August, my dears. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Hello dirty friends,

I am going to take August off. I will wear as little clothing in this damp heat as possible, and touch myself as much as I can. May I suggest you do the same?

It'll be a nice month.

Kisses,
Megan

Every time you slam into me, I lose my grip on the back of the chair.

The first time I remember being attracted to a girl, I must have been 9 or 10. I was taken for a boy quite often in those pre-pubescent years. I couldn't tell you why exactly, except that I often had some kind of terrible bowl cut and blue has always been my favourite colour.

My family was at a mall - Upper Canada, I believe, though it might have been the newly opened Promenade - and I saw this girl across the fountain.

I couldn't stop staring at her.

She preened, tilted her head this way and that. She readjusted her purse strap so that it crossed from shoulder to hip and emphasized her new breasts.

I couldn't stop staring.

And then her friend leaned over. Whispered something in her ear. They both looked at me; hard, near angry. The girl who fascinated me hung her purse from her shoulder again and they both turned their backs on me.

Instinctively I knew what had been whispered was a snarly "That's a girl!" Maybe it wasn't, maybe I was wrong. But the look of shame on that young girl's face made me know I had done - had felt - something even worse.

I lay the length of my body against yours. My hip bones meet yours, our toes entangle. My nipples brush yours when I arch back.

Your eyes glaze. I can feel my pupils dilate.

You swirl your fingers in the long hairs at the nape of my neck, then smile dreamily as you run them down my back to catch my ass and squeeze it.

I feel strong like this. My lines feel clean and my torso long. Strong like I could pull you up inside me if I chose. I don’t, not yet. The tension builds electric snaps along my thighs and across my hips. All the muscles inside gather. I am spinning and spinning and stretching. Open, opened, away.